Where people go wrong in relationships
Mar 06, 2023
I’m not a relationship expert, by any means, which is why I don’t teach it. It’s the final frontier I am conquering and mastering…
And boy is it painfully slow going. Luckily I am navigating it with the most patient, accepting, loving soul I’ve ever met so …. I’ve got that going for me. 
But as I heal, dissolve and grow through my relationship trauma I’m learning many things, and I wanted to share the most recent ones in case anyone else needs these too.
The most glaring issue I have seen so far in myself and others on a similar healing journey to me are:
Not knowing what our needs are.Having spent so long outwardly focused on the needs of others, I convinced myself I was just easy going and had no pressing or dramatic needs of my own. I was low-maintenance. Happy with anything. Super chill.
What I found out was that I had buried my needs long ago in childhood, so deeply that I couldn’t even feel them anymore. Let alone understand them.
Which led to a constant disease in relationships with people who were very clear about what their needs were and had no trouble asking for them to be met. It led me to feel like my needs weren’t important.
When in actual fact, I didn’t even think I had any, and certainly wasn’t bringing them to the table.
Once we know what our needs are, we don’t know that we are allowed to ask for them to be met, simply and directly, without using any kind of passive, passive-aggressive, shaming or blaming techniques.Asking for your needs to be met by another person is totally fine as long as both parties consent to participate. If you ask someone to meet your needs, and they say no, that is valid. According to the law of free will and sovereignty they are allowed to say no.
Then it’s up to you to find another way to get them met or meet your own needs.
Some needs are unreasonable.Asking someone to complete a job or fill a need that is yours to have responsibility for: financial stability, happiness, love, acceptance, validation, safety etc is unreasonable. These are our own responsibility.
It’s still valid to ask someone to participate in this paradigm with you, and they may very well consent - but it’s not a stable paradigm. Resentment will grow because they won’t be able to MAKE you feel loved, validated, safe, accepted or happy. They can’t.
That’s only within our control, not someone else’s.
Resentment will grow on their side too which may lead to tantrum-ing on both parts, since they will be putting their needs aside to try to tend to yours.
It’s not someone’s job to make you feel less insecure. It’s your job to notice what is really playing out and heal that. You can invite someone into your experience by sharing it with vulnerability and an open heart, but it’s unreasonable to ask them to make you feel better about it. (Although they might still want to reassure which is beautiful )
) Some needs are unrealisticThis is where expectations of perfection abound. They do not make room for people’s humanity and the fact that everyone comes with something you’ll have to navigate.
Everyone has baggage. The only thing to figure out is: What kind of baggage are you willing to navigate?
(And when I say baggage I mean it with complete love and respect, not disdain. But I’m being real also. We don’t always want to deal with other people’s imperfections)
I have noticed myself many times in my life say that I am willing to accept people’s imperfections… until they actually showed them to me, and I wasn’t as graceful as I thought I would’ve been. This one is SO HARD to navigate but I’m getting better and better all the time.
We learn what our needs are, and then get on a conveyor belt of dating without opening our hearts and acknowledging the divinity in others with reverence. Instead we are cold, judgmental & transactional, measuring people against our list like Veruca Salt and her Golden Eggs.If we instead opened our hearts, we would be totally in alignment and integrity.
Be able to tell instantly if someone wasn’t for us.
Stay out of judgement if someone isn’t for us
Avoid feeling rejected or abandoned when someone isn’t for us
Avoid creating more emotional scars for ourselves and others
Stay respectful and honoring of ourselves and the other person in the process
We flee (into the night as fast as our legs can carry us) to avoid difficult conversations.We never learned how to safely express our heavier emotions or thoughts or feelings that may cause conflict in a safe way, so we avoid these conversations altogether
When in reality, it’s THESE conversations that create deeper intimacy.
We don’t know how to (or that we are allowed to) set kind, loving, firm boundaries and we don’t know how to consistently follow through with consequences when our boundaries are crossed.We don’t know that we are allowed to dictate our own happiness and what that looks like in our lives.
We don’t learn this stuff when we are growing up. We learn yelling boundaries and closed up hearts, shaming and blaming.
We don’t know how to communicate through these conversations with kindness and firmness. So either we don’t do it at all, and we are miserable. Or we overdo it and no one can make the cut (again, there’s little room for their humanity)
THIS 
is where the healing lies.
is where the healing lies.
Knowing what your needs are Knowing how to meet them ourselves Knowing how to ask for them to be met, with candor, directness, patience & grace Taking responsibility for the most intimate and sacred parts of our life, like our own happiness, safety, peace & acceptance Accepting ourselves and each other, and being able to move swiftly past imperfections (without ignoring red flags 
) especially when someone is able to take responsibility for their imperfections and is working on them in their own, messy, imperfect wayKnowing how to have difficult conversations Knowing how to set firm, loving boundaries and following through with consequences when those boundaries are crossedIf we did that, we would avoid being offended by someone not meeting our needs because it would be a simple conversation:
These are my needs, can you meet them?
Yes? FANTASTIC! Let’s roll 
No?
Next! How to meet them myself or in a different way. Or, with a different person who can.
It’s not a conversation of rejection or fear of abandonment or engulfment.
It’s an open hearted “Do we match? No? No problem. *deeply bow to the other person’s innate wisdom and beautiful soul thanking them for being part of this discovery process and wishing them luck*
And lemme tell you, I’m into my second year of intensely working on this shit and it’s a LOT of work.
I totally get why some people close their hearts up, put up a “Permanently Closed” sign 
, and stay single.
, and stay single.It’s easier to find peace when you’re not constantly confronted by your own unhealed bullshit.
It’s also easier to find peace when you’re not triggering someone else’s unhealed bullshit.
I TOTALLY get it.
But I choose peace AND partnership.
So doing the work is worth it to me 
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