Somber time...AND a time of great hope!
Mar 28, 2022
I love that this setting completely captures my mood
Somber
Someone once said to me “How come every other person in the world, your community, your clients, your friends & family … even complete strangers who you’ve never met… get to see and experience the very best parts of you.
Your unconditional love, your immense, beautiful heart, your limitless generosity and your bottomless acceptance.
And I don’t. I get the very worst parts of you. I don’t understand”
And I was SO OFFENDED.
“How dare you!” I said. “If that’s true, it’s because you bring out the worst in me!”
And it wasn’t untrue. But how unfair and unkind of me to blame someone else for my wounds and traumas. For MY behavior, as if it was his responsibility to manage me.
It’s a sobering time - working through my relationship wounds - realizing the depth of the pain my trauma has caused others.
Realizing I’ve painted so many people as villains in my story… when I was a villain too.
Believing that the good I did in the world made me a benevolent person all across the board, blaming any unexpected, irrational behavior on someone else… rather than taking a look at where it was coming from inside of me.
I’m happy to say that I’ve moved through the deepest parts of shame and guilt, and am on my way to the other side. Still somber, very introspective but also relieved.
Relieved that I see these dark parts of myself.
Relieved I can finally take responsibility for these parts of me that need so much love and attention.
Relieved I can apologize.
And relieved that I am now armed with awareness and tools to make sure I never repeat those cycles again.
Despite it being a sobering time, it’s also a time of great hope.
There’s something so despairing in repeating the same cycles, knowing that there must be some cause within you, but not knowing what it is. Not knowing how to heal it. Having no clue of how to prevent it from happening again. Feeling helpless to the dark recesses of your own mind.
And seeing the light, the cracks shining through into the darkness ….
Is GLORIOUS 
If you feel me… if you’re there… hang in there.
There is a solution. There is hope. There is a way out. Just keep stepping. You’re okay.
You’ve got this. 
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