I’ve been integrating a lot

I’m trying to rest after my launch, but mostly I’m processing (which feels different from rest )

At the RISE Sovereign retreat I incidentally discovered something profound about myself, through watching someone else be coached through a massive trigger.

Long story short, I realized I have no idea how to receive from healthy masculine.

Not only that, I have no idea what my needs are (beyond what I know how to meet for myself) and also no idea how to ask for them to be met, especially in relationship.

Quick story to demonstrate that: We did a cold plunge exercise, and during it I stepped on a thorn. Since I didn’t have a needle on me, I didn’t know how to get it out, so I just walked around with it in my foot for 2.5 days and removed it when I got home.

It didn’t ONCE even occur to me to ask one of the 75 other people who were there (including 15 divine masculine facilitators) to help me get it out  Beyond knowing how to do it for myself, it didn’t even occur as a need.

After I shared with the group about my alopecia and my extreme self-consciousness and pain about it, men started approaching me to tell me the beauty they saw in me inside and out (at which I cried. A lot.). After the third or fourth one, I had to take a nap. Like for an hour.

My ability to receive this big love from these big energies was short-circuited after 3-4 short but potent exchanges.

Well shit!

So I set about lining myself up to practice receiving from healthy masculine. Because where I find an edge, I lean into it HARD. 

I desire a healthy, loving relationship at some point. Which requires me to be able to be IN it and RECEIVE love without needing to take a nap every 30 mins  

I enrolled in Christopher’s Women Of Sovereignty mastermind to receive support from him on a weekly basis.

I switched my masseuse to a man.

I leaned into other platonic friendships I have with men.

I shared my inability to receive from the masculine with a few of the facilitators and they poured so much love, honest feedback about what they saw in me, and just yumminess.

And by far the scariest thing I did was sign up to take dance classes with Jake.

Jake is brilliant. He teaches women and men how to play their divine roles through the non-confrontational medium of dance. His metaphors translate exactly to life. Plus, he can heal relationship traumas through dance therapy. He reads your relationship trauma through the way you move, able to experientially adjust the way you move in relationships through guiding you to move differently in dance. I’ve never heard of that before. BUT he’s in Salt Lake.

As soon as I realized these deep truths about my inability to receive, I KNEW in my bones I had to work with him. I needed a way to practice receiving from big energy, that was not as jarring as meeting it head on  

I’ve got to stretch my receiving container. So in a crazy act of trust and surrender, I’ve booked three trips to Utah! To work with him, to sink into my new soul peeps there, sink into the Earth, and learn how to do crazy big loving things for myself.  

Watch this space. It’s trembling a bit