THE BLOG

A Eulogy For My Old Self//

Mar 10, 2023

I’ve been grieving these past couple of days.

Because an old part of me has dissolved into dust.

All that were left were her bones, essentially getting stuck in the wheels of my life moving forward.

It is the part of me that only knew life as struggle and suffering. The part of me that kept me surviving for so long.

I have finally grown to such an extent that there was nothing left in my experience to keep feeding her.

I have finally reached a tipping point in my growth, where even in my lowest lows, I will not be destitute or homeless again.

And the part that kept expecting destitution dissolved into nothing.

And other parts of me were sitting around where she had dissolved and were sobbing.

I imagined us burning her bones into ash and standing on a beautiful cliff, overlooking the ocean and we sprinkled her off. At first, the wind changed and she blew back in everyone’s faces

But then, after one last joke, she turned into sparkling, gold energy

And floated back into the Universe.

And just like that, I lay a part of me to rest.

On the cliff side, I said some words in her honor:

There goes the part of me that knew nothing of life but struggle and suffering

We honor her for keeping us safe

We thank her for taking on the part of the martyr so that none of us had to

We admire her courage, her strength, her tenacity, and her ability to keep going when it seemed like everything was crumbling

Thank you for being everything we needed you to be

Thank you for everything you sacrificed to get us here

Thank you for laying down your life for us and those around you

Thank you for pouring your blood, sweat and tears into everything and everyone because that was all you knew how to do

Thank you for everything you did so that we never had to

We are so grateful for you

We honor you deeply

We were honored to witness you in life

Go in peace

One last thing I’d love to share is a story in her memory:

One time, before I studied hypnotherapy, I sold car insurance on Sunset Blvd.

I lived in North Hollywood, so every day I’d drop Serafina off at daycare and drive down to Hollywood to go to work.

Parking was terrible and the only place to park was a neighborhood behind our office, and it was all permitted.

My old boss swore he’d never gotten a parking ticket, but in the space of a few months I’d gotten 17.

My car was towed one day, because I had too many tickets, and I couldn’t afford to get it out of the towing yard, so I left my car there, and took the bus 3 hours each way, 6 days a week instead.

That was the level of my old self’s commitment to struggle and her tenacity at surviving. She was tough as fucking nails. It made sense to her that things got harder. She knew how to deal with that. She came alive when she had to survive.

This new reality that I’ve been living for a while now did not make sense to her. This wasn’t a life she could get comfortable with. She kept trying to revert back to suffering some how. And I kept bulletproofing myself against her antics until there were no footholds left.

Thank you old self. I deeply appreciate everything you’ve done.

But it’s time for you to rest. I love you so much and I will always love you.

It’s time for me to move on.

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